Reflections & Thoughts
We Trace The Path No Light Can Chase...
My Önd is pressing against my Hamr at this point. The inner part of me is loud as hell while the external is silent.
Right now, I’m sitting at my desk. I’m typing on the word processor and not online. I’m reminded of how anemic and starved the metaphysical/occult/spirituality section at the local library is. It’s filled to the brim with worthless self-help books with flowery language, books aimed at points of view that keep us divided and more fluff to make you feel good about doing it. It is a vast expanse of dead things and ideas scattered like so much detritus from a bunch of tourists who didn’t feel the need to clean up after themselves...but the will lecture you on fucking plastic.
I don’t like that I’ve gone on to use anger in this post as an opener, that’s not what it is about.
So what is this post about? I don’t know. Just like I didn’t know exactly what I was getting into with this study that I’m doing.
What I do know now is that there is so much more to life than what’s online.
For the past two days, all that I have done is limit the hell out of my internet usage and sit in a quiet library, reading, taking notes and studying. With each passing session, I can literally feel or sense something.
While I’d like to tell you about it, I’d first have to even describe what that is that’s welling up and threatening to burst forth and make me sound like I should wear turquoise and claim to be “the son of God” or something like that. I would need time to gather my thoughts coherently so that I could present them to you.
Instead, I think I’ll just talk. Write. Whatever. Look, don’t get too far into the weeds on this thing, okay, we’re all on this journey together. I told all of you there probably wouldn’t be enough mead or cannabis to get us all back alive. Buy that ticket and take the ride. It’s far too late to get off. You’re in for the long-haul now. There’s just no turning back at this point.
Browsing the metaphysical section of my library, it started to make sense. Everything I’d been writing about our loss of initiations, purpose, the fact that we’ve essentially fucked off everything good about ourselves as people because we didn’t want to offend those who “felt” attacked by those of us wanting better and doing better.
Beginning this journey six years ago, wasn’t easy. In the six years, I dropped sixty pounds, started eating healthy again, taking lunch to work and stopped eating junk. My Önd couldn’t stand what I was doing to my Hamr and it let me know that this was to be what it was...no more.
From there, I began the steps of taking back control of my life. Six years later, it’s still no walk in the park, though I did do that today. I’m not where I want to be, and that’s where most people would stop.
I’m not where I want to be...and it’s been six years.
Right then, this is where most of us check out completely. We see futility. We see strife. We see pain.
Pain is a great motivating factor as we will do any and everything to avoid a state of pained being. It’s a state that happens to us all. No one can avoid it forever.
I should know. I ran from it.
I wolfed down anything that tasted good. Whether it was good for me or not was beside the point.
My own journey with killing off that Fat Fuck version of me was an exact mirror of the library. On the outer surface, I was substance, alright. I was substantially bigger than I am now but inside, if anyone saw depth, then they were probably looking at me wondering how I could know what I did and still be that size, still be that lazy, still be that self-destructive. When I looked at the library, I saw hallowed halls that supported “banned books.” I’m putting it into quotations for a reason. The fact is, there’s nothing there. At best, I could check out some movies, rip them and put them onto my hard drive for my Plex server or I could check out some music, rip it and put it on my phone. I don’t. Not because I’m virtue-signaling against piracy, I simply don’t care about it, but because I was there for a far different reason. If the library’s only resource was calm and quiet for a few hours away from the world, then I’d hunker down inside and study my own material without their help.
I have a lesson plan and I’m executing it. Let me tell you a little about it.
Every day this week, I’ve been listening to Konstantinos’ book Nocturnal Witchcraft (I know, shut up or review the book, Raven...yeah, yeah...Go read it. Seriously) on my walks to work, making every attempt to focus on what the narrator reading his words says. I’ve managed to make mental notes that I thought I had forgotten but, during my studies, those points would come up again.
Kicking off yesterday, it was The Urantia Book and Nocturnal Witchcraft. I can see how they relate now. Konstantinos refers to a “Source” rather than specific deity names until he’s ready to tell you about assuming god-forms (something we have also called “aspecting” interchangeably) and then he’ll use proper names. Urantia directly slots in nicely with Konstantinos’ conceptualization of a “Source” or what the collection of papers and lectures call “The First Source & Center.”
Yesterday was the Cosmology & Theory class. I sat, reading, cross-referencing and taking notes until lunch. I grabbed the bento box and my copy of The Sagas of Fridthjof The Bold and headed outside to eat, read and vape. I wasn’t out there long before the urge to get back to it hit me. I ate, took a few drags, drank my water and ventured back inside.
Paper 1 of The Urantia Book, The Central & Superuniverses alone was dense language and not designed for passive or casual reading. This is a series of texts designed to be engaged with and actively participated in until the understanding sits with you and slowly integrates.
For the most part, it spoke of our Source and what comes from it. It mentioned the dilemma of Materialism vs. Pantheism.
To sum this up in terms you’ll understand, the text said nothing of polytheism but supports it up to a point.
As the text explains. This Source (The Allfather...it fits) created us and all things and then, decided to put a piece of himself into everything with the desire that we return to that Source, not so that we can be easily dissolved into the whole again, but more to integrate ourselves and our unique personality back to him.
A scientist, uses the physical to manipulate reality. There’s gene-editing, space travel, medical tech, technology in general and all manner of things that you and I can tangibly touch and experience through the five waking senses with which we’re born. They usually do so without acknowledgement of The Unmanifest. This is the realm of materialism.
Mystics, like The Saint, see everything as spirit and they will be encased in flesh, held upright by bone, muscle and sinew and make every attempt at leap-frogging their way out of this thing alive. These are the ones that want to shuffle off the crude matter of flesh and continuously deny it. These are the people that have denied that they have a unique personality. They don’t want to become part of a collage of faces that comprises a full image of the face of our Source, they wish to be one color in the pallette and the gradient isn’t there. This is the pantheist position. The Allfather is Everything. Everything is The Allfather...and they want to return to it...now.
The Magus doesn’t deny the facts of either. In fact, the magus, the shaman, the magician, the wizard, the mage, whatever your referent is, seeks to perfectly harmonize both because of one reason: full integration. The Magus seeks to control him or herself in such a way that their state of existence, if done well, alters reality around them without them lifting a wand, performance of a rite or even the utterance of an invocation. They are physically and mentally acute and well-adjusted. They are stronger in their morals and ethics and have no concern for the wants and desires of others, especially when those very people seek to halt the progress of The Magus so that he or she never excels at their work.
There is a secret to defeating the part where others attempt to sabotage you. Do not talk about what you’re doing. Konstantinos even mentions in his book why you probably shouldn’t talk about your work with The Craft (whatever that looks like to you) mentioning that we are far removed from The Burning Times, however, we do still have people with hostile attitudes toward people practicing alternative religions.
There is, however, an advantage to it. Here’s where the secret becomes...well...juicy as hell. Like Mandarin Oranges? I happen to have a bag right here and they are sweet, son!
The added advantage to practicing your Craft without letting others know, and practicing ethically, in service to others, is that, by the time anyone realizes what happened or who was responsible, it is far too late to do anything about it. That means your risk of sabotage drops significantly. This is why I’m not machine-gun-posting a ton of crap off the top of my brain anymore. I say something when I think it’s something that needs to be said.
Listen, peeps. It breaks down like this.
Do you know your value? I’ll tell you what your value is right now.
If you believe you’re worthless, unworthy of being loved, no one cares about you and all those stories of You vs. The World are true, then stop reading and get the hell out of the car, this journey isn’t for you. You’ve defeated yourself before you ever got started and I’m not going to waste my time or words trying to convince you. It’s not me that’s done with you...just you. Until you’re not done with you, until you get the hell up on your own two feet and dust yourself off, I don’t care if you’re limping, you’re still alive, goddammit and that’s the starting point, then you’ve already decided you lost.
If it doesn’t work, you’re no worse off than when you started.
The Allfather doesn’t have a plan for you, just a purpose. That purpose is everything. Your entire purpose may be to pass the salt to someone in a fucking diner but, if you achieved that purpose, you’re a success to The Allfather who will be ready to bring you back into himself as a wholly unique aspect of himself. You do not dissolve into just another color in his robes, his hair, his eye or his skin. You are still you, realized.
If that is not enough motivation, consider the words of fictional character, gothic rocker from the 1970s, Damien Black, lead singer of Black Sacrement,
“Do you know the very value of your soul” he said with an intensity in his dark eyes to a young lady playing his music videos on the show in which he was a guest, “if the Devil wants to make a deal with you for it? You say ‘I’m worthless’ but then you would sell your soul...which one will it be? If you know that some part of you is worth something, then you are not worth...nothing. When you come to realize that you have value, you can provide it. When you provide it, you get it back. The very value of you is in your soul. You know it. Because you say it all the time...without ever realizing that, if you believe you’re worthless, then the Devil can just take your soul for free...and relieve you of the burden.”
Those words have haunted me since I wrote The Nocturneverse post By The Light of The Moon pt 2 in which my vampire rocker anti-hero, Draven Nocturne meets him and Black tells him he didn’t understand what he was saying in interviews half the time, he was just trying to sound deep.
Mr. Black, it seems...may have been on to something.
If you want to know why I’m telling you all this, it’s simple. I was right where you are right now. If you’re reading this and you’re thinking “It can’t possibly get any worse” or “There’s no where to go but up but ...the climb…” Yes, I know. The odds always seem insurmountable until you’re on the other side of it, amazed by one thing: your results.
That is all you should be concerned with for the time being. That takes time.
Remember when I said it has been six years and I’m still not where I want to be? That’s true but if you think I’m just gonna pack it all in and go back to being the fat fucker who occasionally let something profound slip, then the problem is you, not me. I’m not going back to that. I’m not going to lay down and give up because that wasn’t the way I was raised. I was raised to go at the problem with everything you have when it mattered. When you’re on the other side of it, if you need to cry, rip up and shred a box or fall to your knees and pound the floor and yell, then fucking do it but what you’re not allowed to do is quit. ...unless you got off with the last crowd, then yeah...they’re still not allowed to quit either but the reason the treatment is different from your good Doctor is because at least you showed interest and initiative. You may even be fearing what’s ahead. Remember, I did warn you...not enough mead or cannabis to get us all back alive. Some have just already opted out.
It saddens me as much as it saddens The Allfather.
I’m not going to judge you for it, though. I don’t know your situation but what I know is that, if you’re in that situation and you’re reading this, I know it’s hard. I know it takes seemingly forever.
Well, that’s how it merely seems.
Before you know it, you’re 60 pounds lighter, eating healthy, you can’t stop smiling when everything is chaos because of one reason. The one Rite of Passage no one gets out of; The Great Ceremony Called Life.
Life, for me, in the past few months has been nothing short of wonder and awe. Yes, I’m the guy that straddles the Threshold, is at home in the darkness of night...The One Who Walks With Death. What I am not is the guy that walks by a rosebush, touches it, feels the velvety texture of the petals and watches it wither and die by my touch. That’s not what Walking With Death is.
What it is is asking yourself a question. If you’re sick, tired, worn out, burned out and nearly dead, then you have a starting point, where’s the problem? You’re not dead and now you can look back on the life you’ve had and present this hypothetical.
Let’s entertain a thought. Now, you get to see what Walking With Death is actually like.
Let’s say, hypothetically, you’re dying. Your life is about to come to a close. Thanatos will be with you to facilitate the transfer. It’s official. It’s carved in stone...yours.
This is the moment you’re going to look back at your life. You had dreams, ambitions, goals. You had a life in your mind before the world moved in and started screwing around with things. There were chances in your life to accomplish those goals, drive those ambitions and make your dreams become reality.
Did you at least make the attempt?
That’s not a question you need to answer to me because it’s not my life, it’s yours and it’s ending one second at a time. You’re not guaranteed the next second. Ask the guy who died in his car in the pharmacy drive-thru after calling me mere moments before to ensure his medications were ready.
Imagine that. Visualize it in your mind. This will now take the place of your dreams if you keep allowing it. You will look back on your life and realize it was empty. The world loves to move in and crush your best-laid plans...but what do you do about it. In the end, that’s what it comes down to...what do you do?
If there was nothing I could do about being 235 pounds at my height, then you’re not actually reading this article...because I never wrote it. I’d be gone. It would have been a life that was seemingly full in my 20s but fell apart in my 30s and I’m working through my 40s to get some semblance of a life back. Fact is, it wasn’t full in my 20s. It was noise. Constant. 24/7/365 just noise. It’s a damn miracle that I have what I do because I’m still unsure how I got there. That’s the terrifying part. All that time I could have been doing what I’m doing now and I’d probably be well on my way to achieving that ultimate state...whatever that looks like these days.
Forget about me and my story...yours is still yet to be written.
You are still alive. You may be hurting, that means you’re alive. You may be drowning in grief, wanna take a guess at what that means? What matters is that you’re still alive and that’s where you start. You’re not going to be an overnight success. You didn’t get this way overnight. You won’t be like this forever though, as long as you put in that work. Do it like no one is watching because, take it from me, no one is. They only cheer for the result or they bitch about it and if it’s the latter, it’s not your problem. The Result, YOUR Result still stands like one of those statues carved out of marble with so many fine details it makes you wonder how the sculptor did it. You just didn’t see the late nights, the abrasions, the injuries, the careful planning of every cut with the chisel or tap of the hammer. In fact, most sculptors will tell you one thing. They didn’t sculpt that stone. They cleared the rough edges. The sculpture was always there in that stone, they just needed to uncover it.
What will be uncovered when your rough edges are cleared away?
To close this, Donald Tyson in his book The New Magus: Ritual Magic As A Personal Process, stated that he views Jesus Christ as the model for the archetypal Magus. He could have used his god-like power to build a very comfortable life for himself and his family, but he didn’t. He used his powers and abilities in service. At first, he didn’t get that many people who believed as he did. In the end, he had only twelve and, if you’ve read this far, come with me just a little further, he chose service.
Keep in mind, what he was teaching would have threatened an economy worth billions back in that day, not today’s equivalent. If we adjusted for inflation, what he threatened probably would have had the world begging for mercy. He threatened the Status Quo ...with words and his abilities. He taught a doctrine to his followers that he actually lived. He wasn’t Moses coming from the mountain with white hair, a white beard and two stone tablets, he was living that truth from birth.
What does that mean to you? Well, remember what Damien Black said about your soul? You’re being actively recruited and you honestly believe you’re worth nothing?
Sell that to someone else. I’m not buying it because it’s bullshit.
You matter in someone else’s conflict.
Maybe it’s time you mattered in yours too.